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Noisy_Introvert 3/7/2007 6:16 am
Last Read:
9/23/2008 7:57 pm
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A few weeks ago, I was having beers with one of my all time favourite people and closest friends, KMT. KMT has had the great fortune of meeting the love of his life when they were both still in high school - they've been together about 20 years, I believe. He and his wonderful wife LaLa have seen me through some of the worst periods of my life, particularly in the aftermath of a really rough break-up six years ago. KMT and LaLa have been up close witnesses to my depression in the years that followed.
I'll be honest, much of my depression in recent years is wrapped up in loneliness. I know we're supposed to be all self-actualized and be happy and fulfilled as individuals and it's not supposed to matter if we are single or whatever, but personally, that has not been my experience. I realize that all I've ever wanted in my life is to find a deep, meaningful connection with a partner who sees all of me, not just the obvious stuff.
So back to beers with K-Master-T. We were talking about my sad dating life or lack thereof, and KMT sort of haltingly and awkwardly tried to put forth the hypothesis that... well... did you ever think that maybe... for a relationship to work... you have to sometimes, uh, compromise?
I narrowed my eyes at him. Was he trying to say that my standards are too high? That I should settle for less than what I know I need from a partner? That I might be better off being lonely in a relationship, unseen, not fully appreciated or challenged or supported? Because I've been there, done that.
And anyway, I've been single for six years. OF COURSE I've considered that! I second-guess myself all the time. If I knew how to compromise on the hard-to-find ingredients, don't you think that I would?
So what have I been holding out for? What are the needs that have kept me single and searching all this time, that I would rather live with my loneliness than do without?
Here's a few:
- I want someone to see my heart, my capacity for love, and understand that this, not my comedic stylings or smartass retorts, is my greatest strength, my most defining characteristic, and something to be cherished, nurtured, protected, and appreciated.
- Having said that, obviously, he has to get my jokes.
- I really need someone who can make me laugh, too.
- I want someone who desires me, who makes me feel sexy, who looks at me and marvels at my beauty, who can't believe his luck to have found me. He doesn't think I need to lose 15 pounds, either.
- I want to unburden the depths of my self-loathing, and find only acceptance, compassion, and love.
- I need a man of intelligence, someone who will challenge me, introduce me to new ideas and experiences, and appreciate me doing the same for him.
- I really need a guy who speaks my language, informed as it is by popular culture references, sailor-talk, catch-phrases, made-up words, and a pretty decent vocabulary.
- I want a cheerleader, someone who tells me I'm brilliant and I can succeed at anything I want to do, and that he will support me in any and every way necessary to see that I do.
What about you guys? What are you holding out for?
These things are lame.
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6576 posts
3/7/2007 6:21 am
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Important postscript: mere days after that conversation occurred, I met the guy who fit the bill. Hold out, blogstars. Hold out. It's so worth it.
Love and schmoops,
Noisy
These things are lame.
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2349 posts
3/7/2007 8:17 am
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Quoting Noisy_Introvert:
Important postscript:mere daysafter that conversation occurred, I met the guy who fit the bill. Hold out, blogstars. Hold out. It's so worth it.
Love and schmoops,
Noisy
That's exciting news! I think your list is great, by the way. I'd list almost exactly the same things. I also want someone who will tell me all of the truth, even if it means calling me on my BS. I call it "having someone in my corner." I'm sure you'll give him back all of that, too. I think that's the compromise, seeing all of him, accepting him, loving him through it all.
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6261 posts
3/7/2007 9:05 am
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Dear Noisy,
The above is how we are supposed to address you from now on, right?
It is obvious that you've given your list quite some thought and I agree with everything that you have listed. I would add kindness and compassion as these are important, too.
Now the word 'compromise' can be taken many ways ... did your friend mean compromising your standards in who you were lookig for or compromise having to do with day-to-day stuff once you've met someone?
J
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13062 posts
3/7/2007 9:12 am
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This is soooo interesting.
Delightful You and Charming MerryMoon
are defining "compromise"
as the combo you'll agree to.
I define "compromise"
as giving in
even when we both know I'm right.
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4253 posts
3/7/2007 9:35 am
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You know, I read all this, and my first reaction was,
"Gee, too bad I'm taken."
( insert I-know-I'm-pushing-it, but-I-refuse-to-get-too-serious... yet emoticon )
But, hey, you know, like-- SERIOUSLY-- I'm sure there are maybe a couple of fellas out there that would fit the bill, but I'm thinking they would find your rambunctious wit, pithy prose, brilliant brain and incredible asss rather daunting, doncha' think?
( insert oh-me-loves-to-play-wid-dat-dere-Noisy emoticon )
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600 posts
3/7/2007 9:55 am
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YESSSSSSSSSS!!!
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6576 posts
3/7/2007 10:20 am
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merry-go-cute, bingo. Seeing all, accepting all, in spite of, or maybe because of, the flaws, which make us human and so much more real to one another.
RJ, well, I wasn't defining the word, it was the word KMT chose. But since it had to do with my (til-then) fruitless quest, I would say he meant it in terms of compromising my standards. He understood, even before the night was out, that he'd maybe made a bit of a gaffe. We hugged it out.
Cuddles, well, we all have our standards!
e-dubbitty, my kevin bacon likes to think I was impossible for everyone but him. I am so schmooped out that I choose to see that as incredibly romantic rather than dubiously insulting...
thisbe, okay already!!! Off my back now??!!
These things are lame.
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2337 posts
3/7/2007 10:27 am
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Noisy, I am so thrilled for you and the lucky guy who found you. And I hope that what you two have found together goes on forever. Seriously.
And I feel that way about everybody who has lately found love, which actually is a fair number of people. I want them to have what they have forever.
As for lil' ole me, I'm only holding out for somebody who will love me, realize that I'm both sexy and very smart, and who wants to stick around.....not just have an affair with me. Or if it is an affair, a long-term affair. I have my flaws, without question, but so have my previous partners. I was willing to work with their flaws; I just need somebody who will work with mine. (One of which, by the way, is sometimes being too serious.)
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6576 posts
3/7/2007 10:28 am
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PS Rainier, "Dear Noisy" is only necessary for the Dear Noisy column.
These things are lame.
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4253 posts
3/7/2007 11:06 am
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"I am so schmooped out that I choose to see that as incredibly romantic rather than dubiously insulting..."
Huh? Zing--not sure what that means. Help, please, define what is "that.".
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13868 posts
3/7/2007 11:39 am
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I know we're supposed to be all self-actualized and be happy and fulfilled as individuals and it's not supposed to matter if we are single or whatever,
Bullfuckingpucky!
Sheeeeeeeeesh I hate the platitudes that overrun the delights of being human.
I realize that all I've ever wanted in my life is to find a deep, meaningful connection with a partner who sees all of me, not just the obvious stuff.
Okay, nobody shoot me, here...that would be the Biblical 'know'... and I don't think that KNOWing means liking all one KNOWS in another, just accepting what is KNOWN wholeheartedly.
Smoooooop it up, Baby!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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4265 posts
3/7/2007 11:58 am
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can you see me smiling? 'cause i am!
your list is not about setting the standards too high...it's about opening up and being seen...and in turn, seeing them back. the compromise is not in giving up what you want, but in wanting all of what you see...the stuff on the list as well as the extras that most definitely come along with the whole 'opened up person'.
love and hugs to yous!
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1504 posts
3/7/2007 12:08 pm
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thisbe, okay already!!! Off my back now??!!
Goodness. exclamation points. how often do those occur in Noisy-prose?
Gee. Did i get to you? ::evil laugh::
The YESSSSSS above was meant to indicate my total delight and thrill to hearing the news (which you've hinted at but i might have missed it) that you're in love. and it sounds like you've found your person! wow. how great is that? how perfect. and how utterly deserved.
He must be super-good company.
So will we learn more? As in: how/where did you two meet?
And can you conveniently plan for one of your romantic adventures to be in the great city of San Francisco in early July??? eh????
Mazel tov, dear Noisybabe.
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712 posts
3/7/2007 12:14 pm
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"Who's got the look?"
"What's the look?"
Well, congrats. on the neologism wishes & portmanteau dreams!
Indie Shows & Appearances
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696 posts
3/7/2007 12:43 pm
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You are the cutest! So happy for you, schmoopy pie.
XXXOOOLLL
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6576 posts
3/7/2007 1:28 pm
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karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-ca-uu-uu-tie, thanks so much for your sweet words. Being too serious isn't a flaw. It's just who you are. And you are wonderful.
easty, "that" referred to the sentence that immediately preceded my use of the pronoun. I.e. my kevin bacon likes to think I was impossible for everyone but him. Chillax, my friend. Nobody's gettin zinged on this here blog. Not today, anyway...
Hey Zubee! Well said, all of it. This snowflake thanks you.
sunshineyheartofmine, how do you do that? Exactly. The acceptance is the greatest gift.
msg, funny you should notice the exclamation points - I often feel I rely too heavily on them as a means of communicating playfulness, since winkie retards are off limits. Anyway, I totally got your intention with the YESSSS and appreciated it. He IS super-good company, and he uses lots of really big words that I have to look up, and makes weird, obscure comments that I have to google, and non sequitur strangeness and cat noises and all sorts of awesomely endearing quirks. And he thinks I'm brilliant. And sexy. And impossible. Maybe someday I will share some deets.
sl:: yeah, I thought portmanteau was some sort of special cape worn whilst downing Portuguese wine. Turns out it is a totally made up word! PS thanks for your kind wishes. Backatcha.
leigh-leigh, not too barfy? Phew! Thanks sweetie.
These things are lame.
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3/7/2007 2:02 pm
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oh gaaaawwwwwdddd I suppose I better comment.
so you forgot
9. judicious use of emoticons 
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2776 posts
3/7/2007 3:18 pm
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Awww, so glad you have been residing in schmoopland lately. You rock.
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13375 posts
3/7/2007 7:46 pm
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Ohmygosh!!!
Keeping my fingers crossed for you, Noisy.
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5852 posts
3/8/2007 12:26 am
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1. i don't think you ever revealed where you went off to in your february quiet time. your pic suggests that you were in LaLaLand.
2. your list is muy perfecto, noisy!! they all spoke to the different parts of your character that we so often see here. i was especially moved by the one about self-loathing. what you're asking for is unconditional love which is an amazingly wonderful gift to give and get from someone. a necessary challenge for all of us.
3. woo hooooooooooooooo! on finding someone who appears to fit the bill.
 and in the end the bling you take is equal to the bling you make
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6576 posts
3/8/2007 4:39 am
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bettybloop, oh, Hee-Haw. My favourite. If this were any other blog I would be inclined to say shut yer pie-hole, but I'm being totally serious and unfunny, so I'm stuck with just thanking you for your much-needed addition to the list, if not your ironic illustration. (k)
Nota, my bestest robot buddy, you rule. Shanksh.
Gypsy, thank you! I hope you enjoyed unfunny and ponderous!!
eu-beet, yes, I was in LaLaLand, feeling pretty lala. Thank you for what you said about unconditional love and acceptance. It is an amazingly wonderful gift and I can now say that firsthand (and not be talking about my mother). His love is fearless.
These things are lame.
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1156 posts
3/8/2007 7:21 am
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It will never last.
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6576 posts
3/8/2007 7:40 am
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Attaboy, Xist. All this lovebarf is totally skeevin me owt.
These things are lame.
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1567 posts
3/9/2007 7:48 am
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In brief, (what other way is there?) Your list was heartfelt, honest and open. Clarity suits you...smartass.
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6576 posts
3/9/2007 11:13 am
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Aw, Motley. Thanks, dickhead.
These things are lame.
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1567 posts
3/9/2007 1:24 pm
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That makes me so hot.
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2 posts
4/17/2007 12:23 pm
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Hello, Noisy...first time caller, first time listener (reader).
I can't fault you for not wanting to compromise. I've heard that same talk from friends before, and I've always said the same thing: "I'm willing to compromise, but I'm not willing to settle."
Since you're now taken, I guess I will address the group as a whole and just relate my feelings on the topic at hand. **taps mic** "Ahem! Welcome, distinguished guests."
Here's what I don't want: to just "take what I can get." I don't expect perfection. Everyone knows that women hold the upper hand, though - they got the long end of the stick on this one. It's the man's job to ask for the date, make a good impression, etc. Still, the woman has to impress me as well, for the simple fact that I know too many people who just took whomever they could get because they can't stand being alone. I'm not co-dependent, so I am being patient and waiting for the right one. I sometimes wonder if it's a mistake...I mean, it's fun to go on dates, right? And to have an accomplice on your adventures? I love the idea of committed relationships and even marriage, but I've never set a timetable for myself: "I must be married by age____ and have kids by age____." Hell, I've never even said I need to do either of those things.
A friend told me recently that he is going to "break his losing streak by numbers." He figures that in order to get to the right one, you might have to get through, say, 20 of the wrong ones. So, instead of being picky, he'll date 'em all - big, small, pretty, not-so, smart, dumb, and everything in between. He just may be right, but I'll let him run that experiment first.
I get a little frustrated when reading some of the profiles on here. Some women will have a massive "want/don't want" list. They'll put it in the tone of "You better fit this exact description, or don't even bother." Does that work? It's a turn-off to me, but is it appealing to others?
And what's with the profile pictures of, ahem, "racks"? When I see that, all it says to me is "This is all I have to offer." Seriously, what's wrong with just putting up a nice picture of yourself? If it's anything other than a head shot, I can only think to myself, "What does this person have to hide?" I see this a lot on Myspace...someone will post a picture of themself with 2 other people and a headline that reads "Guess which one I am!" My immediate thought is, "The least attractive one?" Seriously, no one has anything to hide. Just be yourselves. Show us what you look like. Tell us what you want and what you don't want. And don't settle for what you can get, but perhaps a little bending of your rules might yield a result. Relationships are about "relations," and sometimes, it's the differences that can bring us together.
Thank you for your attentive reading eyes.
**Slowly steps down from podium. Trips slightly over microhone wire due to ridiculously large shoe size. Hopes no one notices, but secretly knows everyone has. Walks silently back to seat.**
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6576 posts
4/17/2007 1:49 pm
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Hey, MNWer, I'm here to reassure you, since this blog is over a month old, most likely hardly anyone saw you trip.
I think talking about who gets the long/short end of the stick with respect to dating is kinda lame. I mean, one of the reasons I was alone for so long is because I didn't know how and wasn't interested in playing into those societal notions of male/female roles in dating rituals or whatever. I just want to be a person who is a woman making contact with a person who is a man.
Hang on a sec, it is nice when the dude pays for the first date, and also it's nice to be asked out. I have a well-documented contempt for passivity. However, I'm totally cool with making my interest in someone known first, and I can appreciate the emotional risk that goes into hanging your balls out like that.
Anyway, good luck in your search!
These things are lame.
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